Oldest Person You Know

Having coffee with Momma Glad watching the news on my Columbus Day off.  The Prudential commercial came on that asks, "Who is the oldest person you know".   Without hesitation mom said, "Me."

I like the kind that stinks!

When Momma Glad takes a day and does the ironing, invariably that evening she has to use to ointment on her back.  So I can always tell when her back is hurting.  This morning over our Bagels we saw a commercial for a new product Blue EMU pitched by Johnny Bench.  The selling point is that you have no more pain and Wont Stink!  So I told mom, "maybe I should order you some of that stuff mom...that way you wouldn't stink"... She responded, "I like the kind that stinks.  That way you feel like you're getting somewhere".

Tell Mother I'll Be There

The story has it that President William Mc­Kin­ley had a special relationship with his mother ..He had a telegraph line run from the White House to her home.  He he received a telegraph telling him that his mother way dying, he sent back a telegraph saying, "Tell mother I'll be there."  Upon hearing this story Charles Fillimore, wrote the words of the famous hymn of the same name.  

Yesterday morning got up and mom was still asleep.  I didn't bother her.  She finally woke up and said, "Why didn't you wake me up?'  I said, "Well you were so quiet and still i figured that you either died or were enjoying your sleep.  Either way I couldn't see the point of getting you up.  I figured I'd just see you on the other side."  Without hesitation mom said, "well I won't be looking for you."  Thanks mom.

All Choked Up

Today I was working from home, so we went to the local diner for a late lunch/early dinner.  After we ate and were waiting for desert (old school rice pudding with whip cream and cinnamon on top) I was playing with an empty plastic coffee creamer container.  I said, "you know, its a shame no one has figured out a use for these things."  Mom said, " well I guess there is something you could do with it.  Give it to somebody and watch them choke on it."  I am beginning to think mom has been in NYC too long.

Sigmond

Sigmund is a little rubber figure that I received as a gift.  A few weeks ago I placed Sigmund in my mom's bed, tucked under the covers with his head sticking out like he was taking a nap.  Since then from time to time mother and I play a little game and place Sigmund in funny situations.  Just to have fun. When I was eating dinner I noticed that made the latest placement next to a Birthday card.

A Pretty One

After Church today Momma  Glad and I went to lunch at an Outback Steakhouse.  It's one of the few restaurants in our area with Parking, so an easy choice for us.  We sat in the section in the bar area so I could catch some of the football game while we ate.  We had a very nice and a efficient waitress.  She was youngish, cute and very busy tending the bar and the surrounding tables.  After the meal, mom asked me to hand her, her purse.  She wanted to buy me lunch.   So I dutifully handed over the purse and put the two twenty dollar bills she gave me in the sleeve with the bill.  She said to me, "tell her we need will need some change:".  I said, "Okay".   Then she added, " she was a pretty good waitress but she wasn't that pretty and I want you a pretty girl." Pause...."Mom!"....

On Display

I was sitting this afternoon with Momma Glad in our usual spot across from the mom and pop pharmacy.  One of the workers stepped outside and complained she had to come outside to warm up because the AC was killing her.  Now this woman is a very fit cute Italian Brooklyn gal.  The store always has an interesting window display.  They have one now that is of classic 70s candy.  Really colorful and clever.  So I told her, "I love your display."  She looked at the window and said "thanks" and walked back inside the store.  Mom waited a minute and said, "which display were you talking about?"  I said, "Mom, she knew what I was talking about."  Mom said, "You forget I used to be a woman....I knew when I was on display."  I said, "Okay mom, you are too much."

Sound Sleep

On one of the many days when I didn't sleep through the night I asked mom how she slept so well.  She said, "Well I always try to take some time to un-lax (her word) a little before I lie down.  I wash my mind of any bad thoughts or worries.  I try to think of good thoughts...happy thoughts and then I can go right to sleep."
Simple...

Ambulette

Momma Glad and I spent the afternoon at Kohl's Department Store in Brooklyn fighting the crowds and the bargain basement organization of the shoe department trying to find mom a new pair of shoes.  On the way home a white van passed us marked Ambulette across the back.  Mom says, "Whats an  Ambulette, an Ambulance for kids?" Right mom.

Tell Me What You Really Think

Saturday morning was a kind of putzing around the house kind of morning.  So mom decided its time for me to put up a hook to hang the pot holders on.  So I find a hook I can mount to the wall and start trying to find the right place.  So I would hold it up and ask her, "what do you think?".  Again I'd move it. "What do you think?"  Nothing seemed exactly right to her.  I have my refrigerator sitting on an angle in the corner of the room.  So I held it up toward the back of the refrigerator, kind of half out of view.  "So what do you think of that Mom?" I asked.  She squinted for a second and said, "We'll only an idiot would hang it way back there."  OK Mom. lol

Drink Up!

Momma Glad and I were at our favorite diner....Old school NYC kind of place....Primarily Male waitstaff.....massive portions and a bazillion deserts.  We sat down to order and our waiter swings by the table and begins his shtick.  He was tall, loud and with more inappropriate bad humor per pound than anyone in the service industry i have encounted in the Big Apple.  Now understand that my mom is a teetotaler....a total teetotaler.  Never had a drop in our home.  Just wasn't part of our life.  So I wasn't sure how she would react to his first question.
Waiter:  Hi mom what are we going to start with
Mom:  I think I will have Decaf coffee with (He Interrupts)
Waiter:  Is it gonna be Scotch on the rocks, Vodka and tonic? No you seem like a Gin and Tonic kinda gal.
Mom looks at me for a second and then responds
Mom:  Yes and that's all I'm having...not eating tonight.
Waiter: (laughing) OK Mom i will get the coffee.

BFFs

Sitting tonight with mom watching the Yankee game...Guess I was looking a little serious.  Mom looks at me and says, "Whats wrong...are you feeling sorry for yourself"..."Yes i am mom" I answered with my best pouty face....She says tongue in cheek..."awwww Ill be your friend when nobody else will be"  Thanks mom.

Seeing Double

After work today I took mom down to "our bench" to sit and people watch for a while.  The usual cast of characters were accounted for.  A combination of families on a stroll, people rushing home from work, day drinkers calling it a day,  Pub crawlers looking for their first stop and joggers jogging.

A pretty 30ish woman walked by in a white dress.  Her lower body was somewhat disproportionate to her upper body.  As she was walking away this became even more obvious with significant posterior motion in her walk.   About 5 minutes later another young woman with similar proportions but in a print dress approached.  After she walked by we noticed an almost identical sway.  Mom looked perplexed and after a few moments, said, "was that the same woman?"  I said, "no mom they just have the same affliction"

New Yorker's Ain't That Bad

Momma Glad actually asked me to write this up.
Yesterday we ventured into Manhattan in Leaping Lena (Mom's car) to go to my favorite little neighborhood restaurant in the city.  Specifically went this weekend because I know that this and next weekend the parking will be a little easier since people are out of town for vacation.  Got great parking and scored a table outside.  Amazing experience and she loved the food.  Well, she asked about the restroom.  I told her that the restroom was downstairs and the stairs steep and  very narrow.  She said, "let me look at them"  So after we settled up our bill I walked her inside to check it out.  One look at the stairway and she said, "Oh my, I can't do that".....So we exited the side door next to the stairs and headed to the car.  She said, do they have a McDonald's I can go to?  Well mom they don't have McDonald's with parking lots in Manhattan and the bathroom may be in the basement anyway.  What about a gas station?  Well mom they don't really have many gas stations on the island either.  There are a few stations on the edges of Manhattan but no guarantee they will have a bathroom you can use.  She said, "Well what do people do here for gas?"  Honestly mom most people in the city don't have cars.....We can head back home but we may get jammed up on the bridge, since they are doing construction.  She is like, "Oh"  So I am racking my brain...I headed toward my old hood. Union Sq. and Gramercy Park area.  I said to her, " it isn't just finding a place with a bathroom on the first floor, I have to  be able to park the car and get you in."  So I think, let me hit Irving place.  Parking may not be awful and there are several restaurants....If nothing else, Pete's Tavern, (made famous by O'Henry's Gift of the Magi fame among others) is there.  So I head up Irving Place and find parking across from an upscale Japanese restaurant.  I walk in and ask the hostess if they have a ladies room on the first floor.  She said yes,  I asked her if I could possibly bring my mom in because she couldn't walk the stairs at the place we had brunch.  She pointed to the  back and said in a heavy accent, "it's OK" So I retrieved mom and took her in.  I thanked the hostess on the way in and again on the way out.  I promised her we would come back and have a meal there. She said, "you very welcome", and made a slight bow.  On the way back to the car mom said, "you know that was the prettiest place I have ever used to restroom in"  Mom was grateful that someone let us use their facilities without having eaten there.  Today mom told me to write this up with instructions to tell people, that "not all New Yorker's are mean and hateful like some people think"  

Watermelon

Mom: You want some watermelon?
Me:  Yes
Mom:  Big or small
Me: Medium
Note - Mom looks at me funny
Me:  Are you making fun of me?
Mom:  No I look to funny myself
Me:  Hahahahahah i.e. laughing
Mom:  Shut-up

The Big Plan

Relaxing Saturday morning.....Im walking through the kitchen and mom asks me "what are you doing"?  I said, " I'm eating the rest of this banana, what are you doing?"  "I'm doing the dishes right now"  So I said, "or did you mean the big plan for the day?"  She says, "Yes I did but i'm not gonna tell you what it is" lol

Isometrics

Mom is always busting my chops about the amount of ice I use in drinks.  Ice tea, ice water, ice milk etc.  So we were talking this morning about an exercise program I bought when I was a teenager.  I told her it was based on isometric exercises.  She said, "well you are sure isometric"  I said, "what do you mean?"
She said, "the amount of Ice you drink"  Ok mom. lol

Are You Comfortable?

I was putzing around the apartment and realized it was a bit warm.  I hadn't noticed because I had a fan on me.  Mom watching TV in my room.  I asked her, " Mom are you comfortable?"  She said, "Why, are you fixin to kill me?"  LOL

Hoarders

I was watching TV and mom came and sat down.  I asked her if she was getting hungry. She said, :"I don't know...do you want anything?"  I said, "I don't know, we'll figure something out."  She asked, "what's on TV?'  "Hoarders" I said.  Without hesitation she said, "that ought to give us something appetizing to think about" 

Attention

Momma Glad Moment:  Had dinner at the local Diner.  Two waiters and the maître d came by and asked if she was finished and offered to take away her plate.  Mom said, " boy I must look awful good....had three men trying to tend to my dish....now they know how to treat a woman"

Symptoms

Momma Glad Moment: I've had a bad stomach today. Told mom....She says, "You know you change your symptoms so fast that no one even knows how to pray for you" lol

The envelop

Momma Glad Moment:  I cut some watermelon for desert and apparently got some water on the table.  Mom was in the kitchen after and as I walked by she asked, "Is this your mail?"  I said, "Yes but its soaking wet."  She said, "No its not"  I pointed to a wet spot on the envelop and asked her "what do you call that?"  She said, "I call that damp:"  LOL